It’s been a rough week, and when I have a rough week (the kind where your kids try to go dyin’ on you), there are two things I wanna do. I wanna 1) drink, and 2) fuck. Not make love, but fuck. I’ll explain the difference later. So one of my hoes asked me what I thought were a few of my favorite sexy scenes (cuz let’s face it, I’m not going to get to ACTUALLY fuck tonight…). After giving it some thought, this is what I’ve come up with for now. I hope you enjoy it– I tried to put a little somethin’ for er’body on here. And if it gets you all hot, I only ask that you get with the fucking program and practice safe and disease-free sex. Thank you.
One of the first that came to mind was when Nancy Botwin, the suburban housewife drug-dealer in Weeds, gets it on with Conrad, her weed-growing business partner. Part of what makes this scene so hot is that the sexual tension had been building between them FOREVER. And Conrad, as you can see in the video, has a really. nice. ass. And you can tell from his choice of movements that he clearly knows how to please the ladies. But you’ll have to CLICK HERE to watch it, because I can’t embed it. Those youtube assholes.
I couldn’t write this post without paying homage to my favorite coming-of-age movie, Stealing Beauty. I know at least one ho that’s sayin’ “okaaaaaay” as she reads this. In this scene, Liv Tyler loses her sweet virginity to the guy who she found out wrote her a bunch of love letters when she was 14 (or some shit like that– the point is, he’s spanish, he’s romantic, and he’s penetrating her. That’s all you needs to know, hookers.)
If you’re looking for a little exhibitionist action, you could check out this one from Enemy at the Gates. Or if you’re like myself, and are pretty sure you’re about to die and may or may not have showered in several days, you’ll just flat out relate to this shit. (And ain’t nothin’ wrong with Rachel Weisz and Jude Law makin’ love.) Sure, they’re done in like half a second, but sometimes that’s all you need to get down and dirty.
Now let’s get down to business. Some of the hottest scenes don’t need any actual sex. Especially when it’s a gorgeous Latina with perfect hair giving you a striptease lapdance. L Word had some of the greatest sex scenes, but I’d rank this one as a classic.
But I can’t show you that L Word scene without showing you THIS one. Enter Papi. Well, hello Papi. We’ve been waiting for you. (*whispers* Janina I love you). Wait wait wait, rather than limit you to just the love scene with Alice and Papi, why don’t I just show you a whole fucking medley of Papi’s sexing skills. With Spanish subtitles. Playing to this song. Why the hell not.
I’d say the same goes for this scene from Frida, where Salma and Ashley go ahead and get their tango on. I saw this before I’d ever gotten my sex on with anyone, and all I knew was that mama likes some lady. This kinda did it for me. (And check out the two ladies staring in the background. You can see them questioning their own sexual leanings in their minds…)
Now, I couldn’t make this page without dedicating a little man-love to my associate Thug Life. *tear* Here you go, baby.
That’s all for now, you dirty hoes. Mama needs to sleep. If you’ve got suggestions on major epic sex scenes I’ve missed and I’ll absolutely die if I don’t see, let a hooker know!
- Rick Santorum Made Entirely of Gay Porn [Portraits] (gawker.com)
- What Your Favorite Porn Says About Who You Are (psychologytoday.com)
- Pornography: Ethics and the Industry – Part 1 (mhairi.wordpress.com)