Ladies, let’s explain sexuality to the world (so they hear us).

Every time I explain to a dude what turns a woman on, I get the fucking blank stare. Or an astonished or confused look. That’s right dudes, it’s not all visual for us ladies. It’s complicated. We’re full-sensory beings. Which means you better smell good. Or smell like you’ve been building something. It’s evolutionary… we want someone who can take care of a ho and her kids. Which means you better be able to fucking build something or fix some shit. Literally or metaphorically.

But going back to that evolutionary thing… men want a woman who can make some babies. …Serious hips. Feed those babies. …Ample breasts. I could go on… the point being, I don’t hate on a guy for liking those things, and not just because I don’t want to get shit from people about swooning over a guy’s muscles and scent. It’s part of being a man on a very perpetuate-the-human-race kind of level.  Women were made to visually attract a male so that he can deposit his sperm in the best possible option to spawn little mini-dudes.  Sounds crass, I know, but it’s nature.  It’s science.  I mean, I’m not going to quote any actual sources for you here, but I’ll dig some up if you decide to be a little bitch about it.

But then, society takes sexuality to an intellectual level. We’re aesthetic for the sake of art. We want to appreciate shit. It’s part of celebrating life, love, humanity. And I love me some life, love, and humanity.  Where we tend to go horribly wrong is when we let Kate Moss‘ “heroin chic” sell us the blatant lie that addict-body is the thing to strive for, as though it is the most desirable, or even healthy. Or when we glorify nudity of one kind, and demonize nudity of another, when the latter is the most underrated, even criticized, kind of beauty.

For instance, I find Black women to be… incredibly beautiful.  Hot.  Desirable. I’ve seen all shapes and sizes of Black women, of all different tribes, nationalities, mixes…  my personal favorite being of the Erykah Badu or Jill Scott variety.  Maybe I’m starting to understand my bisexuality more… I desire what I admire at its core, and in its totality.  And what better way to glorify someone than to do all you can to please her and show her what you feel she is worth?  Unfortunately, we live in a place and time where the media depicts Black women in a very particular manner… as Brown Betty so eloquently states in Art in Our Own Image: Where MY Girls At?’:

“…we are sexless nurturers (mammy) or lascivious sluts (jezebels). They are one dimensional caricatures, reminiscent of the sexual terrorism of slave days. I often explain to my students that the roots of these stereotypes sprang from propaganda justifying slavery and the violent, rampant colonialism that interpreted the nudity of native Africans as promiscuity and asserted that slave women liked to be raped; that their sexual appetites demanded it.”

Now, if you’re one of my sexy sluts who is in denial about the racism of our time, personal or systemic, then I would like to use this as an example of why you need to perhaps reconsider. (And don’t worry… if you’re gonna be a little bastard about it, we’ll talk more about it later. Shhhhhhh it’s okay.)

What’s even worse is when I’m walking through the mall, and I’ve got larger-than-life posters of almost-naked models selling me clothing (which I’m okay with), the commercialism deeming it “appropriate”, while Erykah Badu strips on a lovely stroll through Dallas for her ‘Window Seat’ video, for the purpose of making a very real and important statement to young women everywhere (which I’m also okay with), and she gets the third degree.

“It’s amazing that we can look at art and call the human body beautiful but we can only see it as something dirty and offensive when it is the actual human body. Look at the statue of David? Is it wrong for children to see his private parts in stone? …[Erykah Badu] has always had a deep message that is obviously too deep for most. The thing is, whether I believe in how she conveys her message or not isn’t what is really important.”  -Anonymous commenter (Erykah Badu Explains Nudity In ‘Window Seat’ Video, MTV.com)

At the end of the video, Erykah Badu says:

“They who play it safe, are quick to assassinate what they don’t understand.  They move in packs, ingesting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another. They feel more comfortable in groups, less guilt to swallow. They are us. This is what we have become, afraid to respect the individual.” 

And as women, as individuals, we are completely free to desire, and to love. To appreciate. What do you appreciate? What do you desire? Because what I have found is that I desire something very different than what society tells me is desirable.  I think we should listen to that.  It takes courage to hear and speak our own voice.  The voice of the white male can be quite loud sometimes. The fears of the prudish woman, so destructive. It’s shaped our whole society. Let’s speak up a bit, ladies. Are you with me?

Sexy film for my crackas.

It’s been a rough week, and when I have a rough week (the kind where your kids try to go dyin’ on you), there are two things I wanna do. I wanna 1) drink, and 2) fuck.  Not make love, but fuck.  I’ll explain the difference later.  So one of my hoes asked me what I thought were a few of my favorite sexy scenes (cuz let’s face it, I’m not going to get to ACTUALLY fuck tonight…).  After giving it some thought, this is what I’ve come up with for now.  I hope you enjoy it– I tried to put a little somethin’ for er’body on here. And if it gets you all hot, I only ask that you get with the fucking program and practice safe and disease-free sex.  Thank you.

Riiiiiiiiight before they get it on....

One of the first that came to mind was when Nancy Botwin, the suburban housewife drug-dealer in Weeds, gets it on with Conrad, her weed-growing business partner. Part of what makes this scene so hot is that the sexual tension had been building between them FOREVER. And Conrad, as you can see in the video, has a really. nice. ass.  And you can tell from his choice of movements that he clearly knows how to please the ladies.  But you’ll have to CLICK HERE to watch it, because I can’t embed it. Those youtube assholes.

I couldn’t write this post without paying homage to my favorite coming-of-age movie, Stealing Beauty. I know at least one ho that’s sayin’ “okaaaaaay” as she reads this.  In this scene, Liv Tyler loses her sweet virginity to the guy who she found out wrote her a bunch of love letters when she was 14 (or some shit like that– the point is, he’s spanish, he’s romantic, and he’s penetrating her. That’s all you needs to know, hookers.)

If you’re looking for a little exhibitionist action, you could check out this one from Enemy at the Gates. Or if you’re like myself, and are pretty sure you’re about to die and may or may not have showered in several days, you’ll just flat out relate to this shit. (And ain’t nothin’ wrong with Rachel Weisz and Jude Law makin’ love.)  Sure, they’re done in like half a second, but sometimes that’s all you need to get down and dirty.

Now let’s get down to business. Some of the hottest scenes don’t need any actual sex. Especially when it’s a gorgeous Latina with perfect hair giving you a striptease lapdance. L Word had some of the greatest sex scenes, but I’d rank this one as a classic.

But I can’t show you that L Word scene without showing you THIS one.  Enter Papi. Well, hello Papi. We’ve been waiting for you. (*whispers* Janina I love you). Wait wait wait, rather than limit you to just the love scene with Alice and Papi, why don’t I just show you a whole fucking medley of Papi’s sexing skills. With Spanish subtitles. Playing to this song. Why the hell not.

I’d say the same goes for this scene from Frida, where Salma and Ashley go ahead and get their tango on. I saw this before I’d ever gotten my sex on with anyone, and all I knew was that mama likes some lady. This kinda did it for me. (And check out the two ladies staring in the background. You can see them questioning their own sexual leanings in their minds…)

Now, I couldn’t make this page without dedicating a little man-love to my associate Thug Life. *tear*  Here you go, baby.

That’s all for now, you dirty hoes. Mama needs to sleep.  If you’ve got suggestions on major epic sex scenes I’ve missed and I’ll absolutely die if I don’t see, let a hooker know!

The ON button.

What happens.

Pupils dilate

Mouth may become dry

Heart rate increases

Blood pressure increases

Skin gives off pheromones signaling sexual excitement to their partner

Breasts become slightly fuller

Aureoles of the nipples puff up

Nipples become erect

The vulva puffs up a little, with both the inner and outer labia becoming engorged with blood, and sometimes turning a bit darker in color

The clitoris becomes erect. The clitoris is actually almost as long as a penis – about 5 inches – but most of it is inside the body. The small portion that shows outside the body may get a big larger and stiffer

Both the vulva and the vagina secrete more fluids, to lubricate

The vagina lengthens from a resting depth of 3 to 4 inches, to about 6 inches in order to accommodate the average male penis

There you go.